


in december you were gone

by orphan_account



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Character Death, Coping, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Established Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Heavy Angst, M/M, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:27:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23150194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "There is more to life than just Choi Soobin." Yeonjun thought, staring at the grave in front of him.There is more to life than just Choi Soobin.-It's been a year since Soobin's unexpected death, and Yeonjun is finding it harder and harder to cope as the days go by.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 16
Kudos: 46





	in december you were gone

Yeonjun sighed, the crooked calendar hung on his wall staring back at him in an almost mocking manner.

December fifth. The date had a tiny  _ "my birthday!" _ written on it with handwriting that didn't belong to Yeonjun. There were poorly drawn balloons with smiley faces plastered on them and cakes with what seemed to be way too many candles surrounding the specific date.

Yeonjun couldn't help but let out a bittersweet chuckle at the sight of it, his hand subconsciously reaching out to touch the calendar in front of him, but stopped himself once he realized what he was about to do.

He quickly retracted his arm, fingers curling to form a fist that he held close to his heart. He sucked in a breath, feeling a bundle of repressed memories beginning to dawn onto him.

He shook his head, clutching the shirt he was wearing in an attempt to regain his composure.

_ Get over it. _ He told himself.  _ It's been almost a year. Get over it, Yeonjun. _

He took down the calendar in one swift motion, hastily throwing it across the floor, piling whatever clothes he could find scattered around his messy apartment atop of the item to avoid having to see it any longer.

He turned to face the same wall that held the calendar just a couple seconds ago, blankly staring at it for a moment, before letting his head hit it will a dull thud. He groaned, disbelief coursing through his veins.

_ Did I really just do that?  _ He thought to himself. Just cause it reminded you too much of him? Get over yourself, Yeonjun. This is getting ridiculous. He's..

He let out a somber sigh, the painful recollection tugging at his emotions.

"..He's gone." Yeonjun spoke aloud, and he despised the way that simple phrase made his heart ache so badly.

"He's  _ gone." _ He repeated, as if saying it once just wasn't enough to get it through his head. As if staring at a calendar with his dead boyfriend's handwriting plastered onto it wasn't enough to convince him that Soobin was gone- and that he's  _ been _ gone for almost a year now.

But a small part of Yeonjun never wanted to fully admit to that. A small part of him wanted this so desperately to be a very, very long dream. A dream that felt so real and was so painfully slow because things like this happen sometimes, right? He's heard of people experiencing dreams that seemed like they'd last forever- that seemed like they'd never end. Maybe he was going through the same thing and he just wasn't aware of it yet.

Maybe Soobin was still alive. Maybe this wasn't a dream- but a nightmare, instead. A very long and horrible nightmare.

But of course, that wasn't true. Yeonjun knew that very well; he wasn't dumb. But admitting to anything else other than that sole reason alone would make his current situation at hand  _ too real _ and he didn't want that.

He didn't want to admit that his boyfriend was dead, because then what? What would become of him then? He didn't want to stare at couples everytime he happened to go out with a mix of burning anguish and envy. He didn't want to have to scroll through his old messages and stumble upon Soobin's and stay up until the ungodly hours of 3 AM reading every single text they had ever exchanged between the two of them and cry his eyes out because the last message Soobin had ever sent him was dated back to almost a year ago and it was  _ "I love you". _

He didn't want to get any sleep knowing that Soobin wasn't going to come home late from school and pepper Yeonjun with tiny kisses while he pretended to be asleep. He didn't want to wake up every morning without having a panicked Soobin running around their dorm room because he had just burnt their breakfast and the fire alarm was moments away from going off.

He didn't want to admit Soobin was dead because then that would mean coming to terms with never getting to experience any of those things ever again and that was just so  _ painful _ to Yeonjun. It hit him in the deepest corners of his heart, making his chest tighten and his stomach drop.

But he knew that he couldn't continue living like this. He couldn't continue grasping onto useless hope and faith that weren't going to get him anywhere (except maybe a mental hospital) because believing that your dead boyfriend was still alive somewhere and you were simply waiting for him to come back home was downright depressing and neurotic, Yeonjun would admit.

He sighed in defeat, pulling his phone out to check the time, only to be greeted with..

..a picture of Soobin.

Yeonjun almost threw his phone. What a painful reminder. Why did he decide to have that as the first thing he saw every time he turned on his phone? He didn't know. He couldn't make sense of half the things he did nowadays, anyways.

With a frown and a guilty conscience, he managed to change his lockscreen to a picture of some generic scenery instead. It wasn't all that pretty, but at least it wouldn't have him thinking of his deceased partner everytime he happened to look at it.

He eyed the time the screen displayed.

11:52 PM.

Yeonjun pursed his lips together, figuring it was probably best for him to go to sleep. He had school tomorrow morning anyways, and staying up any later than this wouldn't do him any good.

He made his way towards his king sized bed, heart slightly aching at how much bigger it seemed to be without Soobin sprawled across it.

"I'm going to sleep." He spoke to himself, hating the way he got absolute silence in return. Why did he say that? He wasn't sure. It's not like he was going to get an answer.

He sighed, placing his phone on his nightstand, rubbing the bridge of his nose closely afterwards as he sat on the edge of his bed. "You're insane, Yeonjun." He mumbled, going to turn off the bright lamp beside him.

"..You're insane." He repeated once more as he snuggled into his covers, ignoring how he'd left the front door unlocked just in case this really was all just a bad dream and Soobin was seconds away from arriving.

_ He'll come back eventually. _ Yeonjun thought to himself, slowly drifting off to sleep.

_..He'll come back eventually.. _

* * *

A familiar alarm rang throughout Yeonjun's ears, face scrunching up at the unpleasant sound of it. He associated the specific alarm with hectic mornings and a groaning Soobin who'd always mumble a tiny  _ "five more minutes" _ the second he'd hear Yeonjun's phone blaring its speakers out.

But now he just associated it with hectic mornings. No Soobin included.

"Ugh." He rolled his eyes at his own dumb thoughts, fighting back the urge to smack himself for connecting every single memory of his own with another memory of Soobin, as if he couldn't just remember something otherwise insignificant without feeling the need to include his used to be boyfriend in the picture.

"Get over it, Yeonjun." He told himself, voice groggy and deep as he stretched his limbs and sat up on his bed, slipping on some slippers. "He's fucking gone."

He slid his feet across the floor, making his way towards the kitchen, taking out two bowls and a box of cereal along with some milk from the fridge.

"Gone." He mumbled, heading towards his tiny little dining table and placing down the second bowl across from his own, pouring himself milk and cereal before doing the same to the other.

_ "Gone." _ He repeated once more, angrily stuffing a spoonful of cereal in his mouth, chewing slowly, before letting out a long sigh full of despair as he stared at the sight in front of him.

_How pathetic._ He thought. _I've even served him a bowl of his own._ **_Again._**

Yeonjun groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in pent up frustration. He wondered if he was ever going to get better. If he was ever going to stop associating every little action of his with a reminiscence of his deceased boyfriend. He wondered if he was ever going to stop serving himself breakfast for two, knowing damn well that he was the only person who lived in his dorm room. No longer did he share it with Soobin- no. Because Soobin was  _ gone _ . He's  _ been _ gone for almost a year now. But Yeonjun just wouldn't allow himself to see past this facade of his- telling himself constantly that Soobin was still alive. He just needed to come home.

Clearly, that wasn't at all true. Again- Yeonjun wasn't dumb. But everyone had different ways of coping with loss. Yeonjun figured this was his.

_ There's more to life than Choi Soobin, Yeonjun. _ He told himself for what seemed to be the hundredth time in just this week alone, because he didn't want every action of his to revolve around the thought of him. He didn't like the way his heart ached every time he'd do something and associated it with him.

There was more to Yeonjun than just being the physical embodiment of mourning towards the loss of him.

There was more to life than just Choi Soobin.

* * *

  
  


"This is my first year spending your birthday alone." Yeonjun spoke aloud, eyeing the grave in front of him intently.

"You've been gone for quite a while now." He continued, placing a bundle of freshly plucked sunflowers onto the ground in front of where he stood. "I know they look kinda ugly, but I picked them myself. Just for you, cause you always reminded me of a sunflower. So bright and pretty.." He gave a tight smile, exhaling deeply, looking at the gravestone beneath him.

"Happy birthday, Binnie." Yeonjun croaked, lips trembling ever so slightly. "I hope you're doing ok, wherever you might be."

He tossed his head back, trying to get rid of the tears that were threatening to fall. He couldn't cry- he'd already been an emotional wreck for the past whole year- the least he could do was spare Soobin a single day from the usual waterworks.

Yeonjun let out a dry laugh. "God.. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be crying anymore, especially not today.. it's your birthday." He put a hand atop of the grave. "You're 19 now, baby.. congrats." He gave a weak smile, trying his best to muster up a genuine expression that radiated warmth and comfort but found that he just couldn't do it. He was standing in front of Soobin's  _ grave _ . He  _ couldn't. do it. _

Yeonjun had tried to convince himself that this was it. That this was the only way to heal over Soobin's death- because although it hurt thinking about moving on, it hurt the latter even more at the possibility of  _ never _ moving on and having to continue to live life so secluded and depressed. He had told himself that the only way to get over this whole ordeal and mend his broken heart was to come to terms with everything.

Sure, Soobin might've been gone- but Yeonjun knew deep down that Soobin would've hated to see him be this distraught and upset. So he reassured himself that this was the best thing to do. To visit his grave and accept the fact that his boyfriend was in a better place.

But  _ fuck _ did that plan go down the drain once he actually examined the gravestone and the way the words  _ Here Lies Choi Soobin _ stared back at him in a way he couldn't even describe. It made his stomach churn.

"..Fuck." He mumbled, scratching the back of his head, the familiar sting of welling tears catching up to him. "You're.. really gone, huh?"

"I just- It's been so hard for me to accept the fact that you aren't here anymore." He trailed off, frowning through bleary eyes. "It feels so weird not having you around."

He let out a shaky sigh. "I miss you." He murmured. "And I really wish you were still here."

He sniffled, wiping away the few trails of tears that had somehow escaped and cascaded down his cheeks, looking around to check if anyone had spotted his minor break down, but luckily for Yeonjun- it was getting pretty late. No one was really around the cemetery at these hours anymore. Except maybe edgy teenagers and drunk people.

"Ah- it's almost night time. I'm sorry I came here so late.. and I'm sorry I just stood here and cried. There's just been a lot on my mind lately and it's been getting a bit tough for me to cope nowadays." He spoke, hoping Soobin was listening somewhere. Anywhere.

"I'll get going now.. happy birthday, Binnie." Yeonjun leaned towards the grave, head touching the cement as he whispered a tiny "I love you" before parting ways and heading to his car, driving back to his dorm room in the eerie silence of the night.

He wasn't exactly on the steady road to acceptance towards the whole situation, but at least he now acknowledged the fact that Soobin was truly gone. After seeing his gravestone and his date of death in person for the first time in almost a year, it finally dawned on him that Soobin was no longer here- and although it hurt Yeonjun to think about that, he knew he had to come to terms with it someday. He knew Soobin wouldn't have wanted him to be this upset.

He knew he would've wanted him to move on.

He sighed, feeling his stomach pool with familiar queasiness, foot pressing down on the gas pedal as he felt his mind wanting to intoxicate itself with useless thoughts again.

"He's really gone, Yeonjun." He said to himself, gaze blank and expression empty as he came to a halt in front of a red traffic light. "He's gone. And there's nothing you can do about it."

Yeonjun pursed his lips together, hating how the painful truth of his own words tugged at his emotions.

What was he supposed to do now? Move on and find someone else? Was he supposed to just  _ replace _ Soobin?

"You can live your life without depending on anyone- without  _ him _ . You're more than just the physical embodiment of  _ grief _ , Yeonjun, for fuck's sake." He spat, stepping on the gas pedal the second the traffic light switched to green.

He needed to get home quickly. Let things sink in.

A couple missed red lights later and he was slouched against his wall, staring coldly at the extra bowl of cereal he had poured in the morning. He'd told himself in his car that things were going to be different from now on. That he was going to try his best to move on, even if it hurt. Even if he felt like he was never going to get over this for as long as he lived because a life without Soobin was not a life worth living.

But he told himself that he was going to get past that toxic mindset. Sure, he loved Soobin- he was Yeonjun's ray of hope. He was all the stars and moons in Yeonjun's universe; he was everything to him. But he knew that he was never going to amount to anything if he didn't get better. He had already accepted the fact that Soobin was dead, but moving on seemed like it was going to be rather difficult.

He frowned, his cold gaze turning soft as he stood up and grabbed the bowl of soggy lucky charms he'd poured in the morning and disposed of it, placing the dish in his sink.

"I can move on. Of course I can." Yeonjun murmured as he hung his head low, hands gripping at the kitchen counter.

"..But I wish I didn't have to." He shook his head, attempting to phrase his thoughts properly. "I mean- I just really wish he wasn't gone.. I wish he was still here with me.  _ Alive _ . Then there would be no need for me to move on, you know?"

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.  _ Talking to yourself again. You're doing great, Yeonjun. _

"I'm going to sl-" He paused.

No.

Who was he telling that to, anyways? Nobody was here. Nobody had  _ been _ here for the past year. So why was he announcing that he was going to sleep? Soobin was gone. There was no one to hear him say that now.

"Huh." Yeonjun muttered, his eyes soon landing on his door.

_ Moving on is hard.. _ He thought to himself as he slowly made his way to the entrance, carefully locking it in under a few seconds.  _..but I know it'll become easier. Baby steps, Yeonjun. Baby steps. You'll get there eventually. You'll still have him in your heart, just not in your life. You'll be ok, Yeonjun. _

  
  


_ You'll be ok. _

**Author's Note:**

> will i ever write something else besides angst? the world may never know


End file.
